Resign to my lame fate

Thinking and wondering..
Do we have to work till we die or grow old before i can achieve my long term dream of traveling.. ? I know traveling need $$ and is dangerous around the world..
Alas..
perhaps my thinking is too extreme.. especially i am growing up in protected environment like enclosed cage example..zoo..
Hahaha
That's why i hated people's views of me,especially my own family tend to belittle my own ability and instinct let it be studying or working outside..

How to say? I don't wish to dwell on past...
It set me in thinking...
Sigh.. I wonder whether i got working or not working, i still cant get to travel outside with my girl/boy friend to nearby country.. So sad.. that's why my mind tend to be narrow minded..
Know why? I don't know.. don't ask me..
I can say an example.. one thing i know is my own family don't know that few times when i was young and dared venture around town area alone unfamilar to me.. yet i can be independant and know my way around. ah ha.. know what.. nobody know.. Like one time visit my aunt in new town.. then later i can move my way around new town.. mind you.. i am not road moron.. who the hell person is map idiot.. haha. i am not one..

Studying is which i don't excel in when in primary school. always score last in class.. yeah.. but i think this way being last mean being 1st.. haha lol..
I don't care less.. =P
Not until i come to my senses......yeah i wake up at that time, no more lazy and keep playing... is end for me.. haha
i can be motivated greatly on my own.. Unbelievable right.. when my own family never really bother encouraged me to study hard especially my own elder sister.. sigh..
i don't know what to say.. i am in low mood at this moment.. perhaps i think too much...
Now now i am all grown up and tied tightly to the string like a kite, held by my family.. lol
can you imagine it?
Know what.. i can push myself to great lengths to work hard towards my goals.. thankfully and thank god who give me 5 years let me give great present to my own late grandmother...who has been my support of encouragement and given lot of things i never expect much from her.. Love you dearly ah mah...
So my late grandma can feel proud of her favorite daughter who work hard to overcome those obstacles.
Come to recall who has been great help to my life.. without them there would be no me in here blogging away.. haha i am grateful to my dearest 3rd aunt who encourage and believe in my ability of studying.. that she never give me slight pressure..
There are too many people i am grateful to for their encouragement.. I love them..
Top 3 people i feel too grateful are 3rd aunt, late grandma and one of my friend joanne.. rest are relatives.. without them, i almost could not graduate in my studies.. One person who give me golden advice is my 4th aunt who suggest that i try ITE go on to study.. ITE mean in the end.. haha not true..Without her advice.. i would not be able give my late grandma best present.. too many people to mention.. Funny and ironical.. thing.. though i would not be here without my parents who bring me to this world... that i should be filial to them.. My own parents never encourage me in my studies ever though they did care about my welfare and hearing disabilities.. what i want is to be recognized in past cannot be achieved .. haha funny joke.. young am i.. never do much seek their attention become invisible vase before my own family.. haha..
I was not that important in my family from young till today. and not highly regarded in family statue. I wonder why? Now they took notice of me when i am that grown up with my own life.I loved that feeling of importance when my late grandma has me in her heart and place as well..almost my uncles and aunts knew my grandma doted on me most.. i was at least more happy to have known ah mah..Now she's all gone.. no more feeling of importance.. Know why? only my late grandma always smile and happy at mention of my doing well in studies.. and could ask my 3rd aunt buy me nice present like food.. not quite expensive just my favorite food.. yummy.. she knows me well =)
So this life i am quite content with..however, when i knew my wishes can't be fulfill like give ceremony tea to my ah mah..
My elder sister mention we have to move on with life.. i know that.. i really want to move on.. but i wish to fulfill my dream .. work can come later.. why must we have to work till we die or grow old can see the world.. .. I don't want that..
Anyone can advise me what i can do with my lack of skills and hearing disabilities..?
I really hate myself alot.. I can't blame anyone.. except myself.. I am tired..

Why my own sisters can be selfish? While i cant be? i am tired.. I hate being 2nd in family.. acting as fiddle not important in family ..My 2 married sisters are great and selfish expect me to shoulder responsibilities look after my parents. O_O''
yeah they did mention share responsibilities.. HUh uh.. when they single, never bother accompany mum for short period just coz' they too busy working and dating huh.. huh i don't buy that.. HMMpf.. now married happily and can afford time accompany mum and control my life.. blah blah interfere way too much.. I was already pissed off.. sigh.........
Points taken.. when they studying in school, they never thought of stay at home accompany mum.. Never.. Only me always loved home too much during school days.. mum did tell me go out with friends.. o.o? who who ? how when i can't call up friends? freaky make me mad already..
ARGHHH i wanna scream out loud here.. FREAK Get out of my life.. and don't keep me tied to kite... i can't fly high and might snap one day like a lifeless plant.. lol